I recently found this in my inbox, sent to me by a family member whose name I don’t need to mention. It’s a prayer I’m supposed to say and then forward to everyone I know. I thought, “I’ll do better than that and blog about it!” …and add my own commentary.

Hey, I’m an Atheist, after all. What am I going to do, happily swallow it when Christians shove their faith down my throat? They can dish it, but can they take it? We’ll see:

You never know when God is going to bless you!!

Well, unless he’s rude, I’d hope he’d do it after I sneeze.

Good things happen when you least expect them !!!

And sometimes when you totally expect them, too! Like the birth of babies, the end of the Bush Administration (January 20, 2009!! WAHOO!), or, like, when you actually plan to do something good! You know you can take actual control of your life and plan to do good things every day of your life. Pretty cool, huh?

Dear Lord, I thank You for this day,

Yeah, because, like what ELSE were you going to do? Like you’ve got other universes to mess with?

(You’re not cheating on us, are you?)

I thank You for my being able to see and to hear this morning

Oh, DEFINITELY, God! I mean, you not inexplicably making me blind and deaf while I slept? That was SO COOL OF YOU TO NOT DO!!

And thanks for not robbing me of my other senses, too. I dig those a lot, as well.

I’m blessed because You are a forgiving God and an understanding God.

And only occasionally give cancer to family members when I masturbate. I really appreciate the reminder that masturbation is wrong. (Sorry about causing your cancer, grandpa! Well, you’re dead, what do you care now?)

You have done so much for me and You keep on blessing me.

Actually, you’ve missed quite a few sneezes over the years. Plus I had another family member get cancer last year and I’d cut waaay back on my masturbation. Not fair.

Forgive me this day for everything I have done, said or thought that was not pleasing to you.

Yes, if I upset you in anyway, please don’t make me blind and/or deaf while I sleep or give me or my family members cancer, or orchestrate any traffic accidents I may witness today so that they will somehow wrap themselves around me. I REALLY appreciate you keeping me out of traffic accidents. (Of course, my own actions might have something to do with that, what with me not owning a car and taking the subway everywhere and looking both ways before crossing the street.)

I ask now for Your forgiveness.

Uhhh, I do?

For what?

I don’t remember committing any sins lately.

Well, I did masturbate this morning. :)

Please keep me safe from all danger and harm.

And late-night bouts of blind-and-deafness.

Help me to start this Day with a new attitude and plenty of gratitude.

Actually, I’m down with that. Though, I’m more thankful that the universe functions the (quite random) way it does. You know, that way that randomly allowed us to exist at all, instead of being space dust. That’s pretty cool.

Of course, it could all end in an instant when an asteroid slams into us. But that’s part of the bizarre universe we live in–er–I mean–the Magic of the Lord.

Let me make the best of each and every day to clear my mind so that I can hear from You.

Uhhh, God hasn’t spoken to me since I was 12 when he told me “I don’t exist!”

All right, to be honest, I told him that he didn’t exist because it would be stupid and impractical if he did. I remember the day clearly. I was in Sunday school and the teacher told me that God was all around us. I thought that was ridiculous and raised my hand. She called on me and I pointed to the middle of the table I was sitting at. “So, God is right there?”

“Yes,” was her response.

“Why?” was mine. I went on: “That’s stupid. Why would he be in the middle of this table?”

Since then, I’ve had momentary lapses of my lack of faith, but in the end, logic, facts and evidence always win out. When I see something that makes me honestly believe there’s a God of any kind, I’ll let ya know. But I digress…

Please broaden my mind that I can accept all things.

Wait–all things?? Like slavery and war and crime and bigotry and other really bad things? I’m going to go on faith ;) that these are not the things that the prayer is referring to.

That said, this I’m all for, but I think that only I can do this for myself. How is some deity (even if he does exist) going to help me accept gays and blacks and gun control and other things the Christian church stereotypically hates? I think it makes more sense for me to simply examine where these types of hate and fear come from and decide for myself if such causes merit such hate and fear.

Let me not whine and whimper over things I have no control over.

Like God? :P

Yeah, because complaining about government response to natural disasters is just STUPID (yet, clearly, we citizens have no control over what our government does, sadly).

And give the best response when I’m pushed beyond my limits.

Again, isn’t this entirely up to the individual? The individual has everything it needs to triumph–even according to Christian cliche’s like “God doesn’t put anything more on your shoulders than they can bear.”

So, what do we need God’s help for if he doesn’t stick us with anything we can’t deal with?

Whoops.

I know that when I can’t pray, You listen to my heart.

Wow, and I thought Big Brother was bad!

Continue to use me to do Your will.

WAIT! So, masturbation is part of God’s Plan after all?? AWESOME!!

Continue to bless me that I may be a blessing to others Keep me strong that I may help the weak…

Yeah, because like, once again, I can’t do that on my own? Why do I need to ask permission to be a good person? Why can’t I just decide to do it on my own? You know, take responsibility for my own actions?

Keep me uplifted that I may have words of encouragement for others.

Actually, I’d like to rephrase this:

Please stop giving my family members cancer. You won’t give me cancer because I eat really well, don’t smoke and general keep myself in good health. But please, lay off my family. You’ve been shitty enough to them. I mean, you know, if you exist. (And BTW, my family are Believers in You.)

I pray for those that are lost and can’t find their way.

Actually, I pray that those that are lost find a GPS. My new iPhone has GPS and I never get lost anymore, it’s AWESOME.

I pray for those that are misjudged and misunderstood.

Meh, it happens to all of us at some point. It’s a flaw in that whole “spoken language” thing. If You would just give us Mental Telepathy, God, we’d probably achieve world peace in like 5 minutes. But you know, I guess, us misjudging and misunderstanding each other is much more fun for you to watch–or something.

Say, why the hell did you create us, anyway? Is this just some sick fun you’re having? Watching the middle class dwindle, home owners get foreclosed, Palestinians get occupied, Israelis get blown up in pizza parlors, African kids get soldierized, polar bears get extinct, women get raped, people dying of cancer and bombs and bullets, it all must be pretty damned entertaining to you to let it go on for so long.

I pray for those who don’t know You intimately.

Eewww!! I don’t want to know God THAT way!! That’s gross!! Besides, I’m married! What would my wife think??

I pray for those that don’t believe.

Why? What’s wrong with us? Why do we need Your Help, God?

But I thank you that I believe that God changes people and God changes things.

…and stuff.

So, wait–I’m supposed to thank God that I believe he does things?

That makes no sense.

Like, I’m supposed to thank the lawn mower for my belief that it will cut the grass.

!!!

I pray for all my sisters and brothers.

Man, how big a family am I supposed to have?

Isn’t there enough pressure on the world’s resources already?

I pray for each and every family member in their households.

…I pray that they will win the lottery and remember me. :D

I pray for peace, love, and joy in their homes.

But screw those Iraqis. Saddam was insane. We HAD to invade!!

I pray that they are out of debt and all their needs are met.

Because debt is a work of Satan.

Actually, that part probably is true. ;)

Though I think it’s HILARIOUS that the word “debt” sneaks into a prayer to God.

I pray that every eye that reads this knows there is no problem, circumstance, or situation greater than God.

If that’s true, why do we have to believe in Him? If a planet full of nonbelievers is a smaller problem than God, why does it matter if we believe or not?

Really, Christians, you seriously need to stop presenting arguments that have more holes in them than Bush’s reasoning for invading Iraq.

Every battle is in Your hands for You to fight.

Whew! Here I thought I would have to take personal responsibility for something! I sure am glad I can just say God lost the fight, not me!! :D

I pray that these words be received into the hearts of every eye that sees it.

“…the hearts of every eye”?? What the hell does this mean?

“I pray that these words be received into the hearts of every eye that sees it“???

God, please grant your believers a better grasp of their own language. Far be it from me to cast the first stone (I am a grammar sinner, as well) but writing like this just makes Your People look like they don’t care enough to proofread.

If you prayed this prayer, change the number in the subject box before forwarding the message so people can See how many people have done so.

…because God loves it when you brag about how much work you do for Him. o_O

AACHOO!

God Bless You!!!!!

WOW–how did you know I just sneezed?

MAYBE THERE IS A GOD!! O_O

Just repeat this phrase and see how God moves!!
God, I love you and I need you.
Come into my heart, please.
Amen.

Uhhhh, I don’t see any movement at all.

I think your prayer might be broken.

Is it still under warranty? Can you take it back to Best Believer and have the God Squad repair it?

I mean, I can do that with any of the things I use to learn and grow and be a better person. If my computer craps out on me I take it back to the store and they fix it.

Science is neat that way.

If you go back to your priest or minister and complain that God didn’t move, you’ll just be told that he did, you just have to look for his movement.

Imagine getting that reply from the guy at the Geek Squad at Best Buy.

“Actually, sir, your laptop does work.”

“No, it doesn’t. The screen won’t come on.”

“That doesn’t work. You just have to look more closely.”

I’d take my laptop to another store, just like I took my soul away from the Church and into my own, rational hands.

I like to take responsibility for myself and my actions. I don’t choose to absolve myself of all guilt and responsibility when things don’t go my way or when I screw up. Yes, it’s probably harder for me that way, but, you know, at least I’m not lying to myself.

God will bless you.

YeeeeNo, he won’t.

Know that you are already blessed by the person who sent this to you.

So, regular people can bless? So, the next time I hear someone sneeze, I can say something like: “Steve bless you” or “Sally bless you”?

COOL!

Wait–this last part of the prayer sounds like the writer is congratulating themselves.

“Be glad in knowing that someone was so cool as to send you this prayer. Aren’t they awesome?”

SIGH.

OK, kids. Here’s what seems to really be going on.

There’s a lot of shit in the universe we just don’t get.

Scary, fucked up, wrong-ass shit.

You could die while you’re reading this.

POP could go a blood vessel in your brain and POOF you don’t make it back from your lunch break.

It’s scary to contemplate this, I understand.

Believing in an entity that controls all of this is a massive security blanket. By believing you can appeal to a power greater than your own, for beneavolance and good fortune, you have hope where you might not, otherwise.

Likewise, belonging to a church allows you to experience that Cheerio Effect. You know how the last few Cheerios in the bowl seem to always cling together? That’s what churches and other religions are for. You feel lonely and scared to be in the big bowl of milk by yourself, so, you cling to others of your own kind and everything’s cool.

Of course, ultimately, the Spoon of Death (SoD) will come for each and every remaining Cheerio.

Pray to God All You Want and you won’t live forever (nor will you get into heaven because there isn’t one).

However, put your trust in science, facts, and learning, and you just might find a cure for everything that kills us.

While George W. Bush has been busy fighting the forces of Evil in the middle east, he could have been spending that trillion dollars on finding a cure for cancer or AIDS.

But no, Bush wages his “crusade” against “evil doers” and believes God has put himself in the White House (actually, it was the Supreme Court).

Meanwhile, you are trusting that God will sort it out.

Got any family members or friends who are dying of a disease, virus or from injuries? Yeah, that’s God’s fault, isn’t it? He could save them, couldn’t he? Remember, no problem is bigger than God, so he’s choosing to let that family member or friend die.

Why?

Beats me.

He works in mysterious ways.

Or, it could be that the universe just isn’t fair sometimes.

Which is easier to accept?

That God is a prick? Or that sometimes, life just sucks?

I’ll take the latter. The former would breed confusion and hatred.

You can keep believing prayer works. I’ll keep believing that if we can just stop bombing other countries we might be able to solve some serious problems facing America and humanity at large.